Sunday, February 1, 2009

The strange workings of the universe

I've always been a strong believer in "Everything happens for a reason". Even the most horrible things that happen to you, there was a Divine purpose that you may not ever discover the Why. In my younger years, i used to often wonder if having such a strong belief of this was a defence mechanism - making myself think that even my stupidest of decisions was actually meant to be. In high school i took a psychology class and we were made to look upon our past to discover the real reasons we act the way we do now. And while i always hated being overweight, and being made fun of for it, i realized something huge. (no pun intended!). If i *wasn't* an overweight kid, would i be who i am today?

I'd look around the room at all the "skinny" girls and think "Would i have been one of them?" Would i have been one of those girls that only cared what people were on the outside? The ones that tear people down with their cruel words? The ones who constantly do things to impress others, scared to show how vulnerable they really are? I was constantly surrounded by these types of girls. Granted not all of them are like this. Not every skinny girl is a mean girl. But the mere thought of turning out like one of them, makes me thankful for the fat.

What I learned by being overweight:
I learned who my real friends were. The ones who never once went with the crowd to make fun of me, the ones who risked being made fun of too by not 'mooing' in chorus.
I learned compassion. By being on the receiving end of so many hurtful words, i could never do that to another person. I could never make anyone else feel what i have felt. I have complete understanding of how it feels to be trapped inside your own head.
I learned courage. Having been smacked down so many times, just to get back up over and over to face them all again.

Would i have learned these things being skinny? Possibly. But not to the same degree. I see too many of these same mean girls today, who are the exact same mean girls they were 15 years ago. They may now have rich husbands, or lavish lives, but does that really compensate for the pain they've caused others in their lifetime? I certainly don't think so.

But yes, it is very possible that my belief in this is to fool me into submission. Yet i don't believe i could have gotten through all these downs in my life without it.

What i learned from delivering my 9 month old still born baby boy, Robbie J:

I learned incredible strength. All those years that i thought i was a mentally weak person, was shattered.
I learned how to deliver a baby. He gave me the experience so that when i deliver all the other babies, i won't be scared because I've done it all before.
I learned love has much deeper levels.
I learned to truly 'not sweat the small stuff', for an abundance of things in your life which you once believed to be astoundingly huge and important, are actually minuscule and insignificant.
I learned how to live, love and cherish life.
I learned how beautiful the world really is.


Laura Jayne said...

Beautiful and meaningful post. Thank you.

Not Your Average Mom said...

K I love this are one of my favorite people - a true face of faith......
Miss you

Ash said...

This is a beautiful post Kat.

Growing up, I too was teased for my weight. While I'm a pretty woman now, I still suffer from insecurities when it comes to my outside appearance. All because of mean kids. While girls didn't usually tease me, the boys did constantely, which has also caused me to be more insecure around males. Ce cera.

And, I didn't want to post on Facebook right after I heard about baby Robbie's passing (it was a day or two later and facebook is tacky...), but I was deeply saddened when I heard. You're an amazingly strong person and will be a great mother when the time is right.

Kat said...

Thanks to everyone for your kind words.. it actually helped writing about these tough issues! :)