Hmm.. I think it's time for an update!

Man it's been a while since I've written on here! lol. I've been swamped. I'm holding a giveaway on my SassmowthDesigns blog (which everyone is free to enter!) so I've been trying to promote that by finding websites that list giveaways and such. Plus I've been trying to fill up my SassKatPhotography shop with as many pics as I can! Of course for the obvious reason of having stock to sell, but mainly because my good friend Tara recently bought a pic offa me to give to her boss. Her boss owns a restaurant here in Burlington, and likes to display work and promote local artists. Apparently the guy LOVED my photo, is displaying it in a prominent place in the restaurant, AND putting out a bunch of my business cards. (I made my own! hee hee) SO I want to make sure I have tons of pics for people to look through if they head over to my website. Now, I'm not expecting local peeps to be buying off Etsy and having me ship to them, that's just unfair! I've put the phone number and email on the business card, so they can just contact me that way if they want.

And yes, I did make my own business cards, for both shops. And why did I do that? Well, yes, some places will print you business cards for 40 bucks, but I don't really have 40 bucks. Plus you get 250. Now I could have just gone that route, BUT, since this isn't our permanent address (we'll be kicked out as soon as my parents return from overseas!) I didn't want to be left with a bunch of cards that has the wrong phone number on it. Technically could I have handed out 250 in 2 years? Of course. But then the wrong number's gonna be on there and that's possibly 250 people with the wrong information. Well, times 2, because I have 2 shops. But anyways, that's enough talk about that!

So what else can I talk about? Who knows. I'm dead tired and all I've been doing lately is promoting, listing, making cards and drawing more. And all of that is pretty exhausting! I clean here and there, which is also good. The other day I was forced to vacuum yet again because it was sunny and I could see a layer of dog hair and it was grossing me out.

Speaking of dog hair, well, not really the hair part, our pup is still on limited activity. Few more days to go! Hopefully he'll get "approved" to start going for walks again because he's driving me CRAZY. Apparently he had torn a ligament and his knee cap kept popping out. And if that keeps happening, he's gonna need surgery. And if I can't afford 40$ for business cards, I definitely can't afford surgery! He hasn't re-hurt it in the past week and a half, and even then when he did, it wasn't a huge production like it had been. He could put weight on it almost right away, as opposed to holding his left back leg up over his head for 10 minutes. It was tough seeing that he was in so much pain, but c'mon! Holding his back leg up over his head?! That was freakin' hilarious! Oh, I'm mean.

 

Alright, I'm gonna add pics into this puppy, take the dog for a pee, get the 3 garbage bags full of diabetic association donations ready, and start work on too many things! Oh and I'll have to eat at some point in there... can't forget that.

Have a great day everyone!

Okay, I'm really laughing now!

I was just fooling around in my 'sitemeter' this morning, seeing how people are finding my blogs. Now, the SassmowthDesign blog is being found mainly by where it's posted - Facebook, Etsy, Twitter, and a hoard of other advertising sites that I've recently signed up on. But I have just as many people (sometimes MORE) visiting this blog. (obviously not as many "followers", but more views and visits - which by the way, i really have to ask a question here at the risk of going off on yet another tangent... what the crap is the difference between a page "view" and a page "visit"???) Anyhoo, like I was saying, was fooling around with site meter this morning. Normally I look at the "By Location" because it totally interests me that I have visitors from Greece, Brazil, Australia, Iraq.. It boggles my mind sometimes, and it's just too cool. People on the other side of the world are readin' about little ol' me! Anyhoo, recently I've been a little more concerned with the *how* they're finding me instead of *where* they're coming from.

Once I noticed that someone found my blog by searching this in google "How to get a dog poo stain out of a silk shirt" Oh I laughed for a few days. But this morning, I clicked on the site meter link that says "By entry page" which would basically tell me which post or how they found my blog. Y'know which blog post I'm getting the most hits on? Like an astounding amount? Like 80% of my views?

Goiter?! Who said anything about a goiter?!

Yup. Isn't this lovely? Seriously, I'm most known for the fact that I have a freakin' GOITER! I thought being found by typing in "dog poo" was amusing! But seriously now. 80%!? 80% of people are finding my blog because they're typing "goiter" into google, and apparently, I'm near the top of the list. Lover-ly.

Just thought I'd pop in to let everyone know that! Back to finding out what #FF means in twitter, because I'm a little dim and have no clue what all these short forms are.

Later kids!

Is there something wrong with me?!

Do I have some sort of sign on my forehead that says "Answers calls to crazy people only" or something?

Oy. Okay so here's the deal. My dad has a motor home. And since my ma'am was transferred overseas for her job for 3 years (2 years left!) he's decided to sell it. So I placed an ad on Kijiji for him, including our phone number and name for a local contact. Which of course I don't mind, because it's not like anyone is going to call a 12 digit number to talk about a motor home, and most people may not realize the time change and were more likely to call them when they're sleeping.


We've gotten quite a few calls, but the only ones that have showed a lot of interest were just plain crazy! First couple... We'll just use his first name lol. Mike. Mike calls on a Monday morning around 8am. My husband was on holidays this week so I wasn't up at the usual 5:15am. While I was awake at 8am, I was not interested in talking to someone I didn't know, so I didn't answer. Mike called again at 930am. Alright, fine. I'll answer the phone. He starts asking questions about the motor home and asks if he can see it. I told him that it's not a problem, but if he wants to wait a week, he can get the grand tour from my dad himself as they were coming for a visit, and obviously my dad knows a heck of a lot more about it than I do. I mean, I can tell ya what features it has, and how to put the blinds up and work the shower (HA! That's another story...) but for working the generator, battery, water reservoir, jacks, and how it drives? Ya.. clueless. Well, Mike didn't want to wait a week. So I told him that I'm pretty much free all week, just name a day and time and we'll work something out.

We were out most of Monday and kept missing his continuous calls. When I called back, he had a few more questions ("how long is it? is it nice to drive? how many km's?") and he still hadn't decided on when to meet. Hadda talk to his wife. Okay fine. So, next morning he calls, and asks to see it on Wednesday. I said, no problem! But, got another call later that day from my Father in Law. He has a mechanic near his work that had offered to look at my car, and fix the brakes, only charging me for parts, not labour. And being as poor as a church mouse, took him up on this offer because my brakes were a-squeakin' bad! So we drove up to Etobicoke to exchange cars with my Father in Law, and came back home. Called Mike. Told him I'm terribly sorry, but Wednesday is out, since I wasn't 100% sure when I'd actually get my car back - whether we were driving up to exchange cars again in the early afternoon, or whether it was being driven back to our place by my F in L later on in the day. So he understood. Or so it seemed.

He called back. What about Wednesday afternoon? Noooo because I may be exchanging cars at that time. So what about Wednesday evening? Can't do it, not 100% sure if I'll have my car by then. Called back again to double check. Still the same answers, thanks!

Wednesday. Calls again. "How about Thursday evening?" "perfect, I'll have my car by then, no problems." Calls back again. "How about Thursday morning instead?" "that's fine, I'm getting my car tonite, Thursday morning is perfect". Calls back again. "Can we make it Thursday night again? Around 7pm?" "Okay fine, perfect, Thursday evening 7pm". Calls back AGAIN. "Okay I've talked to my wife, we're going to make it for Thursday around 11:30am" "Alright then, better idea, more time and more light to see the motor home! See you tomorrow morning!" Just after 9pm. Calls AGAIN. But! It's his wife. "I'm really sorry but we have to take my grandson to the doctors tomorrow, we think we'll just wait until your parents get back and have the tour with your dad like you originally suggested." "Perfect! Great idea! Better that way! Talk to you next week!" So at this point, we thought we were done.

Next day. Thursday. 12pm. Rob and I were getting ready to head out - run some errands and go for lunch. Phone rings. It's Mike. Actually no, it's Mike's wife. "Hi we're here." "Whaddya mean you're here. You're where?" "At the motor home, can you come down and show it to us now?" "You cancelled for today. We have plans!" "Are they important?" Are they *important*?! Excuse me?! I took a deep breath. Okay so, no. My plans aren't *important*, but the fact of the matter is, you cancelled, and now you're there. Rob was livid, but I assured him that we could go down there, show them the motor home, and then we won't have to worry about this anymore! So we went down. Rob opened the doors, and went to stand in the weeds. (He didn't want to be in close proximity to ensure he wouldn't get the urge to speak his mind!)

So of course, Mike starts asking questions I have no clue what the answers were, and reminded him he should have seen it with my Daddoo. They saw the motor home, said they liked it, had to check if it could fit in their driveway, and they'd call us back to talk to my dad when he was home. Good plan! Never heard back. Was very relieved.

But now, I'd take them any day.

(This is my daddoo... NOT a crazy person!)

Crazy lady. That's all I'll call her. Calls on Saturday night. And I *mean* night. 10:45pm. I wasn't feeling well, so I had already gone to bed. Rob was still up, in the living room watching his G.I.Joe cartoons. I woke up a bit to the phone ringing and could hear Rob's conversation. He did *very* well. Rob's not one to tolerate people calling after 930. But nope, he was courteous and politely said she needed to call back when he wife was *awake*. So 9:30am, crazy ladies number comes up. And I answer the phone. She sounded a bit off, like I actually pictured a woman who was a tad dirty, wearing sweatpants and a stained white sweater with "i love husky's" written on the front, with greasy bed head hair, brownish teeth and a blotchy face. So she asks a few questions. "Does it have a slide?!" "yes it does!" (as you can clearly see in the ad) "Does it have a kitchen?" "Yes" (as you can clearly see in the ad) "Does it have a basement?" "what?!" (okay, so my bad on that one, as my dad has informed me, the storage compartments underneath are called "basement compartments")

Then she says "Okay I'm buying it". Just like that. I'm like "you haven't seen it yet!" "Oh, that's okay, it's exactly what we were looking for! So, I'm buying it! We'll be down there on Tuesday to pick it up!" Okay then. You're buying it. Then she starts asking more technical questions, so I said "you best email my dad with those questions. Here's his email address" So I spelled it out about 6 times (she didn't seem to understand the whole 'spacesaverbob' part.) But she calls back 5 minutes later. "I don't know how to email." Huh? Okay crazy lady! So I suggested that I'd call my dad, and see if he can call her so they can talk. She liked that idea. And so did I!

So I called my Daddoo. (It's very helpful now that I can actually do this! Stupid Cogeco not having overseas calling for the first year they were over there!) I gave him the lowdown on the crazy lady, and her phone number. Rob and I left right after I talked with him, we were heading out to brunch... Got home and noticed she had called right after she talked with my Daddoo, but I really wasn't in the mood. So, I called her on Monday because I didn't want another "Hi we're here!" incident. Ya so, it took about 5 minutes for her to clue in who I was and why I was calling. (the motor home? what motor home? does it have a slide? I talked to your dad? oh right, I talked to your Dad!) Anyway, I asked her if she was still coming down on Tuesday. So she's all excited and telling me what price my Dad gave it to her for, and I'm all "yes I know" and she's all "What? How?" Um gee I dunno, how in the world would I know what my Dad talked to you about? Now there's a head scratcher.

So then she's going on about how she has 3 dogs and 2 cats and is happy it has a slide (I have to admit I cringed - Now not only did I picture a *dirtier* crazy lady, but now a dirty crazy lady with 5 dirty animals in our motor home! Oh poor motor home!) Then she's all "oh it has some carpeting? Oh that's not good. Our animals *really* love carpeting if you know what I mean! Piss all over it all the time! HAHAHA!" Oooooh even poorer motor home!


Anyhoo, she informs me that she's in the process of talking to the bank about getting a certified cheque and all that, and will call us on Tuesday to let us know what's going on. So fine, leave it at that. Didn't call on Tuesday and honestly, didn't care.

Wednesday. 4pm. She calls. "I have a favour to ask of you! Can you be our banker?! Like, we pay you in installments, and have our lawyer write up a contract?" ya, like that's gonna happen. I figured the easiest way for this to end, was to have my dad talk directly with her about *why* that's not gonna happen. So I told her that I'd call my dad in the morning, and have him call her. She asked why I couldn't call right now. Well, because with the 6 hour time difference (as I've already told her a few times - but then again I don't talk to her for 2 hours and she has no clue who I am) it's 10pm and they're in bed. She said okay, talk to you in the morning. 7pm. She calls again. "Have you talked to your dad yet?" "uh, NO, I told you I couldn't call him until tomorrow because there's a 6 hour time difference, and currently it's 1am there" "oh, REALLY?!" Yes. Really. Told her I'd talk to her in the morning.

10pm. Phone rings. I didn't get to the phone in time, so I promptly called back from the kitchen as opposed to the BEDROOM. Where my husband was SLEEPING. I call. She answers. I'm like "this is Kathryn McLean." "WHO?" "Kathryn McLean. You JUST called me. I'm guessing it's about the motor home" "Oh right! Kathryn! Okay so I was wondering." "NO NO NO, *I* was wondering why the hell you're calling my house at 10 o'clock at night. My husband gets up at *4am* for work, and you're calling at 10 at night?!" "Oh gosh! I'm so sorry! The nights are getting shorter! I just lost track of time on the internet!" Right. So does your computer not have a little clock in the bottom corner that you can glance at before picking up the damn phone?!

I was more than a little pissed. It was then that I decided to F*ck it. I'm not bothering to talk to my dad about the whole 'banking' thing, cause it's gonna be no anyway, and there's no point of him spending money to call long distance to talk to a crazy lady. So I called her back. She didn't answer. She called me back. I told her right out that the only way my dad was accepting payment was with a certified cheque for the full amount. She said "oh okay. And you're in Kitchener right?" I'm like nooo, Burlington. "Oh that's closer to Toronto. Perfect. Okay then, thank you!" and hangs up the phone.

Okay then, thank you? What does that mean? Is she going to show up anyways? Oy. So while I don't know 100% whether I'm completely done with the Crazy Lady, I'm not calling *her* to find out.

Oh sane people, do none of you want a motor home?!

Whoops!

Okay so I've been so busy "etsying" that i completely forgot to update this blog! Between emails, blogging on SassmowthDesigns, forums, listing, creating, colouring, brainstorming, I've neglected a few things! But, any regular followers on this blog shouldn't be too surprised that that happens to me lol. Especially if i say "I'll be back soon!".


Let's see, what's new?! Well, Kermit started dog training classes. I was horrified the first day thinking that he'd be the worst one there, and distract all the other dogs. Yup, figured we'd be kicked out for sure. But! I was pleasantly surprised. He's actually one of the smarter dogs there, but that just means he gets bored very quickly and tries to play with the St. Bernard beside him lol. We've been getting lots of "homework" with him, and it's going fairly well. We just have to work on his getting distracted constantly. Apparently everything at the store is far more exciting than we are.



Oh! I attempted to take photos of the moon the other night, cause it looked so damn cool - but i didn't have time to grab the tripod. So it's a pattern of: deep breath, hold it, snap the picture, continue to hold breath, turn blue, shutter closes and finally breath out and spend a minute catching your breath.


Well, Rob thought he could do a better job at it. Here's his attempt.

He sneezed. Good one honey!

In other news, i fell down the stairs last Monday! Yup, 5 am, and there I am sliding down the stairs towards my husband while he's putting on his shoes. Luckily he heard me comin' and leapt outta the way before i landed on him. How funny would that have been. Me and my "Chris Farly'd" husband laying at the bottom of the stairs until an un-unGodly hour when everyone else got up. Woulda been shits and giggles kids! Shits and giggles.

So i guess i can use that as another excuse to my absence. Walking - i can do. Standing, ya that's fine too. Laying down? Well, in certain positions. But sitting? Oy, ya that's not fun. Currently it feels like I'm sitting on a golfball graciously positioned at the top of my buttcrack. Last week, ya that couldn't even be done, any pressure on my tailbone sent me yelping into the air, but now, not so bad. Getting up on the other hand is another story. I'm like an 88 year old man grunting and groaning, trying to get my footing before standing upright. And you should see me getting out of the car! Yeesh. First of all, takes me atleast 5 minutes. Driving is a pretty amusing sight to see, since i have to have the car seat at a tad over 90 degree angle so I'm leaning forward, has to be almost all the way back so my legs are stretched forward, and i have to be leaning inwards so most of my weight is on my right buttcheek. Yup. I get the stares. And I stare right back dammit!

In etsy news, still desperately trying to think of a shop name for my photography. I desperately want to split the shops, but figuring out a name is driving me crazy. I want something original. I want something professional. I want something humourous. And all those things combined makes it extremely difficult. When i type in "sassmowth" into google, ALL i get is my stuff. Of course it does the "did you mean sassmoUth" and i say loudly everytime "NOOOooooOOO i did NOT mean sassmoooouuuuuuuth! Thank you very much!" Great thing about using a different spelling means you have a better chance of finding your stuff. BUT a different spelling also means people will forever be spelling your shop name the *correct* way, and never finding you. (Do you know how many emails i haven't gotten because of this?!) So that's why I'm not naming my shop SassmowthPhotography.

Things that I have come up with so far: Crosseyed Photography, PoorHouse Photography, (and thanks to my daddoo) Wandering Eye photography. (just so we're all clear - i *have* a wandering eye. And I'm poor. So that's the reason for these names being the first to mind!) But, can you believe wandering eye photography is already a photography shop? geez. So is crosseyed AND poor house. I've been trying to find tweaks on photo related words (EyesWideShutter - already taken! ShutterYourMouth - already taken! I think i should give up on "shutter") But to no avail. Then i read an interesting forum on etsy about how people came up with their shop name. I'm like ooh hey, maybe I'll get some ideas of what i can use. So a lot of people were talking about using their name "meaning" for their shop. So i was like, cool, I'll type in my name for the "meaning" and i got "VIRGINAL". There we go. That'll do. Yup. Sounds great.






So i will continue to brainstorm. And drive myself crazy.

Soup Nazi revisited

Well, not really. Just that Kermit had some issues with what was coming out his rear end. More like a stew then a soup really. Poor guy, lifting his leg up to pee and soup shoots out his bum and all over his leg. He seemed a little embarrassed on the long walk back home... Hadda get Rob to come out and hose him down for me before we went back in the house!

BUT, he seems to have evened out pretty good, with a tip from Robs sis Becca (she's a vet tech). So the secret to getting dogs poo soup to go back to poo logs? Pumpkin! We got the canned pumpkin (no sugar added of course) and mixed some up with vanilla yogurt, and he ate that right up. Had a light orange beard afterwards which was amusing.

We don't know exactly what caused it, BUT it could have just been all the excitement. One day we went to Fort Erie to visit Rob's parents, and took him with us, so he was playing with their dog Spanky for hours on end. The very next day it was the dog park with Ljub and his favourite "girlfriend" Elby, the next day it was a car ride to Becca's in Etobicoke (a car ride in which he puked during - first time ever) and played with Zeek, and not so much played with gettin-the-grumps Tyson. After that ride he *started* getting a little "through the eye of a needle" poops. (I'm sure you're all excited hearing about this... ) But the next morning he *seemed* to be back to normal, but it was just an overnight buildup cork. Because then we brought him to Robs sister Shannon's house to play with Diesel, who he had never met yet. So in 4 days, he saw ALL his friends and got all wound up each time. So we're thinkin, that's what it may have been. OR he just ate some poop of someone else's.

But i was segueing here, because i wanted to add in photos of Kermit's first meeting with Diesel. HILARIOUS! .. Let's take a look see shall we?...


Okay, PLEASE do yourself a favour, click on the picture, and look at their faces close up. I can't stop laughing.

And again. Diesel's expression is priceless.


Aw ain't they cute, drinking water together?


And all I'll say about this pic is, Ya.. I'd run too.

So basically in a nut shell, I've spent the last couple of weeks with Rob at home, playing with dogs, driving too much, and cleaning up soupy poodoo. But, interesting little tidbit here... So on Thursday, (i think it was Thursday.. all my days blend!) While i was talking to my Daddoo in the Netherlands, i watched a young lady walking up the driveway (with some scruffy lanky boy at the end of the driveway with his bike) and she's carrying a clipboard. Well, she rang the doorbell and let's just say, i don't answer the door to strangers that carry clipboards, because it always involves money, and i ain't got any! PLUS i was on the phone with my daddoo! So i ignored the door. Watched her walk back down, pick up her bike and the 2 took off down the street. (Things happen from then until this next part, but i won't bore you with them.. mainly involves eating dinner)

So took Kermit out to pee, walked back up the front stairs, looked at my smokes that are sitting on the windowsill tempting me to have one, but kept on walking. Brought the dog in, went in the kitchen to get a glass of water, and the doorbell rings. So I open the door while holding back Kermit, as he loves to jump *through* the screen door to lick some faces, and its the young girl again with her clipboard binder thing. She says all sweetly "HI! I'm collecting for the MS Society!" and before she could continue i said "I'm really sorry, but i donate to other charities through other venues" Meaning i DON'T give money out to people who show up on my doorstep. So she snottily closes her binder, bitchily says "thank you" and i shut the door. I go back in the kitchen to grab my water, i walk out the front door, notices she's gone, sit down on the front step, went to grab my smokes and well.. they weren't there. I thought for a second that *maybe* i brought them inside and didn't notice, but no. I knew i had taken the dog out no longer than 6 minutes previous and they were there. That little bitch stole them! So y'know what, I'm thinking, not a huge deal, because it's just a pack of smokes. BUT on the other hand, it is a huge deal, because this person is collecting for a charity, and if this person can steal things off peoples properties, can they be trusted collecting money? So, Rob picked up the phone and called the MS society, and got an answering service. He left our number, said what happened, and we pretty much forgot about it.

Well... This morning i wasn't home because i hadda drive my sis to the go station (she got dropped off at the Burlington Go by Iain, he left, she was notified the trains weren't running out of Burlington cause someone was hit by the train between here and Bronte) so she bussed it back home, i dropped her off at Oakville, when i got back i walked the dog... and again none of this is very important to the story, but i have an issue with tangents. I can't stop making them. Anyhoo! So i missed a phone call back from the MS Society. They want Rob to call back, because guess what? They don't HAVE anyone collecting for them!! OOooooh the plot thickens!! But no worries, I'll keep everyone posted on the outcome of this little shenanigan. Of course, you may have to search through a whole crap load of tangents to get to it, but i promise it'll be in there somewhere.

Alright, off i go! Hope you enjoyed the pics, and you didn't go cross eyed reading all this crap.
Have a great day everyone!

Want FREE stuff?! Contest starts September 3rd!

Hey all!

Yes, I'm having my very first contest! I've posted all the details to my shop blog SassmowthDesigns so head on over there to check it out! I didn't want to leave anyone out, I know i have a few fellow etsians following this blog (so go check out my other one!) BUT this contest is NOT just for etsy artisans! It's open to everyone! So, any followers on this blog, head on over to follow my other one, and read all about how to get lots of entries into my contest! The winner will receive one free photo (of their choice!) PLUS free shipping!

Very exciting... so, check out the contest, gather your entries, and you could WIN one photo from my etsy site! Here's some examples of what could be very soon be hanging on your wall! (or a friends or families wall! These are perfect to give as a present!)




So go on over and check out the contest! It officially starts September 3rd, 8am EST (BUT i won't discount your entry if you do it right now!!)
Good luck everyone!

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Could i look any more excited in this photo?!

I'm still so incredibly excited that i met the Soup Nazi! (His real name is Larry Thomas!) Went to the comic convention this past Saturday and even though there was Linda Hamilton, and Lou Ferrigno, ya.. i was excited about the soup nazi! While i was tempted to buy the ladle that he autographed (lol) i went for his pic instead, in which he signed it with his famous no soup for you saying. Got a pic taken with him too! But, i'll post in more than just his... here's who we saw:



Bruce Campbell sticking out his tongue. I got lots of shots of him because apparently Iain (sisters man) is obsessed with him. Huh. Okay.


Lou Ferrigno drinking a slushy! I got tons of pics of him for my sis. Even one from the side so you can see how much his muscles flex as he's signing autographs!


Walter Koenig (Chekov on original Star Trek) I only put the description of who he is, cause i for one didn't recognize him lol. But here he is relaxing!

EEEEE this guy creeps me out, Udo Kier. His eyes are so piercing, it's not even funny. My sis came with me when i went up to say hi and shake his hand.

There were many others, but i don't feel like continuing to put pictures up, i'm rather tired! Spent the better part of the day cleaning the house, then i did a blog on SassmowthDesigns, added photos to Facebook that i put up on my etsy site today, drew some Christmas cards (more cards that are inspired by my mom! They're a new line called "Have a SAFE and happy holiday season! hehe) Oh, and Leonard Nimoy was there, but we never saw him! All we saw at his seat was his lunch! Some crisp veggies, a sandwich and a bag of original Lays chips! I was very tempted to take a pic anyway with his name showing in the background with the title "Out to Lunch". Ah well. Okay, i'm off.

Have a great night kids!

Completely Sha-ocked!

And what am i shocked about? Well, whenever i go off my schedule, whether it be eating sched. or sleeping sched, my diabetes control flies out the window. High numbers off the usual charts and it continues to happen days after i go back to my regular schedule. But this past week, i went completely out of routine when my hubby went on overnight shifts. Do you think i could sleep? Of course not! (but i mainly blame the dog since he was whining ALL night without his "precious" there- yeesh) So when did i sleep? Well, from 330am to 4am, then took my thyroid pills, had a granola bar and a coffee, went back to sleep at 630am and slept until noon. That's what i did for 4 days, and my numbers were still perfect! Woo! How excited was i! And, well, completely SHA-ocked!

Hopefully this is a good sign. Lately i haven't had many problems with my numbers being too high - i've even been able to eat a few slices of pizza or a McDonald's mac snack wrap without passing out afterwards (although i'm trying not to eat those things often, cause i'm also trying to lose weight! And ya, pizza and mcpuke-alds aren't exactly the foods that help you do that!) I haven't been obsessing about the scales lately, which has helped in the mood department. Because there's nothing worse than working out a lot and eating healthy to see you didn't actually lose more than 0.9lbs that week. Can we say frustrating!? (Well, NOW i can. When i was a kid i would have pronounced it fwustwating.)

But enough about sugar and fat! Had a great conversation with the hubby the other week, and i'm sure you all want to know what it was (since from previous posts about our conversations probably sickened you). So, can't remember *exactly* how we got on the topic but... Rob said "I wonder if it would work if you farted in a Ziploc, closed it up, then smashed it really hard in people's faces if it would smell!" (yes, we have extremely intellectual conversations). To which i replied "Oh it would! Cause when i was a kid, i pulled down my pants and tooted into a mason jar of my moms that she used to make jam in, and put the lid on really fast. Then i waited! Then next day i opened the jar, and it still stunk!" Rob almost fell off the porch laughing. Once he had calmed down a bit (he almost threw up from laughing so hard) he asked why on earth i would even think to do something like that. Well, it was simple. We didn't have cable.

Of course this conversation has yet to die, because now Bill, Rob's boss (the one who likes to make fun of me!) can't stop thinking about it. Walked into the store the other day, and he walks up behind me and says "Excuse me miss, just wanted to let you know we have a great selection of mason jars down aisle 22 if you were interested". Very funny. He's getting a mason jar for Christmas with "Open me - Made with love and chili" written on it! Atleast i'm entertaining. And now they both have a new term to use over and over again.. "Smells like a fart in a jar!"

Wonderful.



Updated my crafting blog again! I'm working on a new scarf - head on over to the other blog to check it out here - SassmowthDesigns . And since now i have 30 fans on my facebook fan page i was thinking of doing contests and such, but now that i've decided to do it, i'm having a total brain (jar) fart and i can't think of what to do for one! Ah well, it'll come to me eventually. Okay, been on here too long. Between Etsy and FB fan page and the other Blog, i'm getting pretty sick of the computer! Hehe...

Later peeps!

I have a new blog!!

Since i'm doing alot of etsy "community" shenanigans and meeting tons of new people, i figured i'd start a new blog that just entails crafts, projects and the like. That way, when i direct a fellow etsy artisan to my blog, they don't have to read a bunch of crap on dog poop before they get to my new projects.

So there ya have it kids! I'm NETWORKING! In this blog, i'll stop talking about my crochet and the like, and JUST have dog poop. Aren't you all so excited? I bet ya are! If you want to find out what i'm up to in the "business world" just head over here.

In other news, John and Kate (not plus 8) came over for a bbq with their adorable 18 month old boy James. We had a really great time, good food and lots of laughs! Especially when Kermit was chasing James around the living room, grabbed his t-shirt, pulled him down, and dragged him a few feet! Don't worry, James wasn't harmed, he thought it was pretty hilarious too!

Time to go already.. Have a good night peeps!

Ze ball, iz a rolling

This is going to be a super quick post (so unlike me, i know!) but i finally put up some of my photography on etsy!! Woohoo!! I plan on putting up a bunch of photos every day or 2, until all my stock has been posted. Hopefully they're good enough to buy! I hafta say though, once printed, they look amazing! The colours are much more vibrant than what shows up on the computer screen! I'm so excited! And i just can't hide it!

Now that i've gotten flowers pretty much down pat (and mushrooms! for some reason we have a shit load of mushrooms!) i want to expand to buildings and other such subject matters. Plus i want to learn much more about my camera. Since i'm a visual learner, reading a dry manual doesn't seem to be helping me understand what the crap they're talking about. So, Friar bought me a dvd for my camera which visually goes through how to do absolutely everything my camera is capable of! I'm so excited again!

Okay, gonna fall asleep. It's been a productive and busy day. But i'll end it off with onna my fave pics i took. Again, you want it? You buy it! It can be found at my Etsy shop - there's a link at the side! Have a great night peeps!

Look up, waaaay up

Thanks to my ma'am, things are looking up! First, she made me realize something.

After reading my last blog, she called me up and said "I see you're getting frustrated not being able to find a job. But look at all your past jobs. What didn't you like about all of those?" So i thought about that for a minute. I hated retail in general, being a cashier, being treated like dirt by people who assumed they were better than me just because of where i worked. I either loathed the people i worked with (ie *Puke) but liked the job, enjoyed the people i worked with (ie *Misha's and *Smavey Smee - with exception to a choice few), but disliked the job, or after I had learned everything my job entailed, it got freakin' ass boring. Not to say I *hated* every job, but there were always problems. A lot of them were fun, I had a lot of really great customers which for the most part always overshadowed the jerks, but none of them were quite right. There was never a happy medium. When I was in retail, i longed for an office job. When I had an office job, I longed for retail. But what it came down to was, i still needed something challenging.

So then my mom asked me "So what job is truly going to make you happy?" I didn't have to think very long before i piped up with "Working for myself".

My mom told me once when i was a little girl, that I'd never be able to work for others. I questioned that, was a tad offended. Was I mean? Did i not listen? Did i not take direction well? Those words were always stuck in the back of my mind. What exactly did she mean? I was much too young to ever have a job when she said it to me. But job after job, task after task, i finally figured it out. No, i wasn't mean, yes i could listen, yes i could take direction very well. But i didn't agree with store policies. I constantly fought for change. I got frustrated with rules that didn't make sense. I quit over managers not caring about obvious discrepancies. When i could no longer trust what my managers said, I'd move on. To me, so many things in the work place just simply made no sense. And my parents agreed, that's right, they don't make sense. But that's the way it works. And you'll never change that.

My mom was right. Again.

"So then why are you bothering to find a job which you'll end up hating anyways? If working for yourself is going to make you happy, if that's what you really want to do beyond anything else, don't stress yourself out trying to work for other people. If you need money to print your pictures, or cards, or for supplies, I'll lend you the money for that. That's what's going to make you happy, so that's what you have to do."

How much do i love my mom? I couldn't even put it into words. And it brings me to tears that i have to wait until September on her next visit before i can hug her.

But mom, don't take that as you shouldn't have moved away!! :) I'm very proud of your accomplishments, and you did the right thing accepting the job overseas. Now on a lighter note, here's a pic of my mom getting stuck in a really small, fast closing doored elevator.


Love you Mominska!!

I think i'm a clone now

There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand me down


I've never had to work that hard at finding a job. (Although I'm *apparently* a dead ringer for Weird Al. Don't know if I could make money dressing up like him... I'd constantly be buying brown eyebrow pencils to reapply the chest hair as it has a tendency to rub off. Plus this look ruined my hair. Seriously. My hair's been a frizzy clump of shit since the "Weird Al incident".)

I applied to Alan Thicke's *Smellers, and was offered the job a few hours after the interview. I applied for "what the heck is a rutabaga" *Basic Foods (no more, no less) was offered the job on the spot and made an office personnel as opposed to the cashier position i had applied for. I put in resumes at *Home Hardonware, *Shmooze Company (mediocre shoes for not so much money) and *Homesenseless. *Home Hardonware offered me a job without interview at another location as a supervisor, but that other location was farther away in an area without a bus route and i didn't have a car, so i had to decline. I was offered and accepted the job at *Homesenseless, only to have *The Shmooze Company call me later that day and offer me a supervisor job as well, but i stuck with *Homesenseless. I quit *Homesenseless, and a couple of days later was working at "thanks for making a gigantic mess 'cause you knew we were coming, and for the record we're NOT impressed by the used condoms stuck between the couch cushions!" *Jolly Jaid. I quit *Jolly Jaid and took a hiatus off of work for a bit as i was dating someone in Toronto and was there most of the time. Once that relationship crumbled (whaddya mean you ATE while i was in the shower?!) , i applied at *Misha's arts and crafts and instead of the cashier job that i had applied for, got lead sales of the general arts department. While still working at *Mishas, i applied for a position at "hey she learned all the parts really quickly she MUST be sleeping with her manager" *Hell on earth Puke equipment, got the job and after 2 months of being a parts shipper i was promoted to parts counter. I left *Puke and 3 days later was hired on the spot for *Smavey Smee.

(*obviously the names have been slightly altered to protect something or other... )

And now I've applied for 7 jobs and haven't heard back from one.

I realize there's a bit of a recession, there were a lot of people laid off and are searching for jobs as well. I know that it's tougher than usual to get a good job these days, but despite knowing all this, it's incredibly frustrating! I keep wondering what's wrong... why aren't i atleast getting calls for interviews? Is there something wrong with my resume? Does it stink!? Do they not like the fact that i left work in May of '08 and hadn't worked since? Was i just always lucky and now the luck has run out?

I've never been this broke in my life. (well, my parents wouldn't agree with that statement. They had a certain nickname for me - which i won't divulge here - for many years) Yes, my husband makes good money, and we're still able to get by, but i can't stand not contributing. So i still contribute in small ways here and there, even though i can't afford to. We have lots of money locked up in GIC's and RSP's (and TSFAs, TGIFs and BYOBs) to save for a house, so we're okay in that department (and I'm glad it's locked in, or we'd have dick all for a house when my parents come back!) but I'm still freaking out. A year has passed already since we've been in my parents house while they're in The Netherlands (soon to be Vienna, Austria, as my mom was transferred again unexpectedly) and i haven't saved one penny. Not only am i freaking out about being able to afford a house in 2 years, but what about something sooner. Christmas! I know it's still 5 months away, but unless i get some income incredibly soon, there's no way i can give anyone anything... unless i make it. I hope everyone has a swiffer! 'Cause they'll be all getting my reusable swiffer cloths!

And still not having sales on Etsy is bugging me as well. I'm starting to doubt my work. Is it not good enough? I know i don't have any spectacular items on there, but when i see new people (even newer than me) already making 5 or more sales, it's a tad disheartening. Crochet was the only products i could put on right now. I'd love to put all my photography on there, they're all ready to be posted, but i need to print a bunch first before i post them, but i need money to do that. I desperately want to put my Christmas cards on there, but i have to print them first and again i need money to do that. I'd love to start painting and put those on there, but i don't have any canvas, and i obviously need money in order to buy it. So I'm stuck in a rut. A big huge one.

Deep breaths. I think i need that huge creepy doll that the guy on the Inventors show a few years back had made. You press its belly and it says in a soft male voice "everythings gonna be oooooookaaaaaay". I shiver at the thought of that doll. Maybe that's because I've always believed that soft talking males are all serial killers?!

But i can't let it get me down, right? One step at a time. Can't let everything get too overwhelming! This too shall pass... I just wish it would stop taking it's sweet ass time and pass already!




Copyright Sassmowth Designs. You want it? You buy it! :) (Please buy it!)

Crochet or not crochet? That's not really a question, 'cause I'm gonna do it anyway

What to say, what to say. I have no clue! All I've been doing of late is crocheting... (is that a word, or is the plural of crochet crochet, like moose is moose.. although I'd call more than one moose meece cause I'm just strange that way)

With my etsy, I've had lots of views of my wares, but still no sales. I'm thinking (read as: hoping) the reason being is I'm new and have no feedback, therefore people don't trust me! I wouldn't trust me either.. I'm kidding, seriously. At the age of 5 I accidentally stole a piece of licorice from the candy store because my impatient sister was yelling at me to hurry up, so i rushed out with it still in my hand. I couldn't sleep for days, finally bursting out crying to the man behind the counter that i had stolen a 5cent piece of licorice and he laughed and said it was something he would have given me for free anyways. I got a lot of free candy 'cause i was apparently really cute (in an odd, cross eyed, red cheeked, messy hair and dirty face kinda way). So really, how can you NOT trust someone that looks like this?


Now that I'm done with that tangent (and most likely on to my next)... So I'm thinking I'm going to have to purchase something from someone else on Etsy to get some positive feedback and then walla! I'll have some sales. D'ya think it'll work?! We'll see i suppose. I thought for sure my duster mitts would sell. Anyone want some duster mitts?? They're not only cute, they work really well! Funny story that is... Making these duster mitts, taking quite a long time because as per usual i think of something to make that's completely different from any pattern i may have. So i make it up along the way. (remembering to write down key points so i can make them again e.g. how many chains i started with, when i increased and decreased.. before i realized i should do this, ya, it was barrels of fun making another one to match the first! yeesh) Anyhoo, so I'm on my third pair of duster mitts when something hits me... will they work at dusting or just smear it around?! So i threw my crochet(ting) down, ran upstairs to grab a spare square using the same yarn and dusted our room furiously. And lemme tell ya, that was quite a good test as i hadn't dusted our side tables since... hmm.. don't remember. Let's just say there was a hell of alotta dust, and these puppies picked it all up!

Thing that sometimes pisses me off is while I'm feverishly crochet(ting? now see that sounds right) one thing, in my head I'm thinking of something different and new to do (which I'll most likely have to make up) and then i either a) can't wait to finish what I'm doing so i can start the project, or even worse b) finish it, but not completely - no ends tied in and things of the sort- and start on the new thing. I have so many not completes in my pile that it's driving me crazy. So today i sat down and tried to rectify the problem.

Okay I'm laughing, because i almost wrote "rectify the building". Probably because words that start with "rec" make me laugh and remember that time in high school whilst on a field trip to Waterloo University. Our bus pulled into the parking lot and as it sped through the driveway i caught a glimpse of the sign and said aghast "RECTAL BUILDING!?". It was this point in time that my old friend Gab sighed, plunked her head into her hands and said "Kat... it's RECITAL building". Whoops. And yes, I can read... i just tend to misread. Often.

Alright enough nonsense for today kids! Bake to Hork.

Etsy etsy bo betsy

This is just a really quick blog to say i FINALLY have a bunch of stuff now up on Etsy. And people who become fans on my Sassmowth Designs on Etsy facebook page, you get 10% discounts, and of course i'll probably have cool giveaways and stuff when i have a large enough fan site!


Check out my etsy shop at www.SassmowthDesigns.etsy.com
and just search for "Sassmowth" on facebook and the page will come up. Note that Sassmowth is with a "w" instead of a "u"... this is the reason i don't get most people's emails!



In other quick news... we need to fix the toilet 'cause it's leaking, we had a "smart meter" installed by hydro (they say it's smart for us, but me thinks it's smart for them, meaning they can charge us more for things), we saw Harry Potter today (in the VIP theatre of course), and uh... that's about all i can think of! Well, we're also outta dog food, but who needs to read about any of that!

Later kids!

I finally Poka-my-head-out

Hey, has anyone else noticed that whenever i say something like "I'll be back in a couple days!" or "back tomorrow!" or even "back soon!", it takes flippin' forever for me to write again?! Yeesh.. maybe i should stop saying that.

So, this part is LOOOONG over due. I received an award from Margaret over at Margaret's Ramblings and I'm supposed to pass it on to 3 other bloggers! (Sorry for my tardiness Margaret!!)

Now, I'd love to give it right back to Margaret, since she deserves many many awards, but since she already has this one, I'll have to give her a different one! (but I'm not gonna say when, because as we're all aware, i have no concept of time)



First award goes to... Well, i might be a tad biased here, since it's my Daddoo's blog! But it makes me laugh every single time, plus it's informative as well!The blog is called The Caretaker Chronicles and it's all about the madcap life of a previous caretaker in Canada, now living in The Netherlands !

Secondly... Ashley at Ash Illustrations. She's an absolutely amazing artist and a great person to boot. She also has a shop on Etsy (which is linked on her blog) so you can check out all her work, and maybe even purchase something if you so fancy!

And third, but certainly not least, Diana over at Scale Junkie. She's an absolutely wonderful woman who's trying to lose weight, putting it all out there for all the fellow bloggers trying to reach the same goal. She's a true inspiration and has already helped so many bloggers by sharing recipes, strategies and just down right bearing her soul. Her blog has become a community of support, motivation and again, inspiration. Big virtual hugs for Diana!


Okay, so more apologies for that taking so dang long.

Too much to update though.. running out of time. But here's a bit on the down low. (That probably doesn't make sense right there, but it sounded cool at the time)

Parents came home for 2 weeks (so the previous 2 weeks were chock full of cleaning and renovating a bathroom!)
Had an 80's party that ended up with dancing in the street... pictures to follow!
and... wow, that's not much. BUT i do now have items up on my etsy site!! The link's at the side, so check it out! Woo hoo! Now I play the waiting game... for orders that is.

Going a little early, but off to pick up the hubby!!!

Givin' a little thanks

I would just like to write a short blog to give thanks to those who have commented on my last post, and especially to Margaret from Margaret's Ramblings for appointing me an award!! (Which i will be passing on to 3 more people in the next couple of days!) It's a great honour to have my little blog recognized, especially the last 2 posts. They were the most difficult ones to write, but I'm really glad i did. My baby will forever live on by touching the hearts of others.

And now for something completely different, a goofball and his new toy.





Thanks again to everyone! Hope you all have fantastic weekends!

Happy Birthday Baby

Today was the day i had no concept of time. And i never bothered to ask. I was given more gel, moved to another room, hooked up to an i.v. and a falling leaf magnet was placed on my door. And everyone that walked in had a solemn look on their face.

A woman came in to talk to Rob and i about arrangements after he was born. She gave us pamphlets on choosing to see him or not. Some people wish to never see their baby and try to forget it ever happened. We couldn't imagine doing that. How can you deny you had a child? How can you deny this little baby that you created? How could you go through life never knowing what they looked like? I guess for some people this is the only way they know how do deal. Even though my baby was gone, i couldn't wait to hold him. We then chose a funeral home. We chose cremation. We chose his ashes to be placed in pendants that we wore around our necks.

Another woman came in soon after. She was the Chaplin for the hospital. Even though Rob and i are different denominations and both have issues with the church, we are both spiritual people in our own respects. She was quite impressed with our strength; Everything happens for a reason. We may never find out the "why", we may never fully understand it. But we are thankful for the time that we had with him. Our little boy did so much for us and others around us, whether it be bringing people closer together, showing what's truly important in this life, or making people realize how precious their own children were. And now we have a little guardian angel to look after all the rest of the babies that we have.

She called in all our family members and we all said prayers for our baby, we cried for our baby, and we laughed for our baby. He would have been such a trouble maker, just like his daddy.

Soon after the contractions began. It was time for the epidural so everyone was ushered out of the room. It didn't work the first 3 times, as my lower back is fused and i was only getting the numbing on the one side of my body. It was the strangest feeling in the world, to have this invisible line down my abdomen where one side felt absolutely nothing, and the other excruciating pain. I was given gas during the contractions and waves of nausea kept hitting me. I remember throwing up into the kidney shaped pan and my doctor saying "What the heck did you eat? It looks like a perfectly shaped timbit!"

Eventually the anaesthesiologist was able to come back and try the epidural again. I had my head nurse and doctor holding me down bent over a table while he tried to get through, having to try higher up my back. My hair was in my face and i could barely breath, tears blinding me, as i tried to ignore the pain of the contractions so i could keep as still as possible while a needle was piercing my spine. This time, it worked. My right side started to numb and i couldn't feel the contractions at all.

It felt like i was lying there forever, in a complete daze from the gas. Remembering my mom there stroking my hair out of my face, giving me ice chips. Remembering Rob there kissing my forehead, holding my hand. My nurse Merle, my saviour, never leaving my side, never a break. Forcing Rob to eat or he wasn't allowed back in. Every once in a while she'd wrap her arms around me and whisper in my ear that i could do this. I was strong and I'd get through. I was doing this for my little boy. He was teaching me, and preparing me, to deliver all my future babies.

My cervix dilated and the pressure began. The 3 of us were a team, Rob, Merle and I. The 3 amigos. Both of them on either side, holding my legs, my back, encouraging me to push harder, telling me i was doing a great job. When i felt i couldn't do it anymore, there was Rob, my strength, my love, hands on my face telling me he loves me, reassuring me that i can do this. Eventually he started to crown, and my doctor was called in along with 2 other nurses. Merle stayed by my side and kept putting my bed down so i couldn't see my baby being born. Eventually one last push while they all pulled and i relaxed. They rushed him behind the curtain to clean him up and asked if we wanted to see him right away, or after he was fully cleaned and dressed. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to hold my baby.

He was brought over wrapped in a blanket. Rob and i hugged him, kissed him, and cried some more. My mom was brought in. She held her first grandchild and talked to him like he was there. She quietly said her goodbyes and handed him back. We spent quite a while with him, just the 3 of us. My doctor told us that the umbilical cord was very short, and placenta quite small. From what they could tell, he had stretched and pulled the placenta away from the uterine wall. If we wanted they could do an autopsy to see if there were any other reasons, but we declined. We didn't want them cutting our baby.

He was taken away to be fully cleaned, dressed and had pictures taken. He was brought back in along with the rest of our family. We all took turns holding him and commenting on his good looks. He was to be named Robert James Lantz III, but it no longer seemed to fit. Everyone always called him Robbie J. So that's who he became.

Robbie J McLean-Lantz
Born: 7:37pm, May 23rd, 2008
6lbs 15 ounces

He had dark brown hair. He had my eyebrows, lips and feet. He had his daddy's nose and broad shoulders. Our precious baby boy. You will never be forgotten.

Happy birthday baby.

The day i found my strength

It was one year ago today that i woke up for work and found my cat snuggled up to my side squinting at me. Normally this wouldn't be an odd thing, but for the past 3 months he had hated me and glared at my belly whenever my baby moved.

I was out of sorts that morning. I was getting increasingly tired and sore and looking more and more forward to my maternity leave. 6 work days to go! According to my boss at the time, i was going far too early. With a leave starting June 1st and my baby not due until June 23rd, she was expecting me to leave closer to the 20th of June. But I was so incredibly uncomfortable at work sitting at a desk all day, I couldn't imagine doing that for another 3 weeks. Plus the official due date wasn't accurate since they had no clue when i exactly got pregnant. My doctor said i could deliver as soon as the beginning of the second week in June. And there was no way i was breaking any water at work.

I showered and got dressed and my baby was poking me really hard in the side. I was nervous that morning. He wasn't moving as much anymore. I was assured by family and friends that they don't move as much once they get bigger, and since he was never a big mover, I shouldn't have worried about it. But with it being my first pregnancy, i was worried about everything. I was thankful for my doctors appointment later that day, so i can be assured, like i am at every appointment, that every thing's okay.

Since it wasn't busy at work, i did my best to organize all of my files so it would be as easy as possible for the person taking over my territories when i did leave. I was running out of work to do and the boredom was getting to me. During lunch i continued to sit at my desk and called an old friend Jeff from my last job, to see how he was doing. He was extremely busy and couldn't talk, so he told me he'd call me after i got back from my doctors appointment later that day. I cleaned up my work station a bit until 1pm, grabbed all my stuff, said bye to all the ladies and walked to my car. Little did i know I'd never be back.

I picked up Rob on the way as per usual, he came to every appointment with me which i loved. When the doctor came in he started to check everything out and he asked if there were any concerns. I told him about worrying about my babies activity. He assured me that it was normal as he checked for his heart beat. He quickly put the monitor away and suggested that if I'm worried i should head down to the hospital and have them do an ultrasound, make sure every thing's still okay. There was something about the look on his face as he said this. Something was wrong. He put his arm on my shoulder, said not to worry, just head down there. They'll call him with the results. So off we went.

Once we got to the maternity ward we were ushered into one of the rooms and monitors were brought in. They tried for 20 minutes to find his heart beat. They kept telling me not to worry, sometimes the babies position can prevent them from hearing it with that little monitor, so they'd send me for an ultrasound. But their faces were just like his. My heart started to drop. I was wheeled down to ultrasound and wasn't pleased to see who was going to be taking it. I've had this girl before and she's the most unpleasant woman I've ever met. And she started to be that same unpleasant woman until she turned on the monitor. She transformed into this sweet, soft talking, gentle girl. My heart sank. My baby was gone.

I held myself together until they brought me back up to the maternity ward. Once Rob and i were alone i started to cry as i told him how nice she was and that's how i knew. He told me not to worry yet. We didn't have the official news so we can't assume the worst. I knew he felt the same way i did, but was trying to make me feel better, trying to calm me down. He held my face in his hands and said "Whatever happens, happens. We can't change anything. If he is gone, whatever you do don't blame yourself. We couldn't have changed this outcome." We hugged for what seemed like an eternity and when we pulled away I kissed him and said "And if he is gone, we can't let ourselves be one of those couples that breaks up over this. I can't lose you too." I laid back down, with Rob sitting at my side, still waiting for a doctor to give us the results, when i hear quick footsteps down the hallway. Then i hear my dad asking for me. I immediately lost it. He called my parents. There was no denying it now. My baby was really gone.

The 4 of us cried together. My doctor walked in, tears streaked his face. He hugs me and apologizes over and over again. He knew. He couldn't hear his heart beat either but he couldn't tell me there. He needed me to get to the hospital first. Soon after another doctor entered the room and took a seat. Together they started to discuss the next step - delivery. I was shocked. How could i deliver a baby that was already dead? I wasn't strong enough for that. I couldn't do it. My mother hugged me, and i lost it again. I can't do it. I just can't. I wanted them to do a c-section.

They explained why they wouldn't. Not only would i hurt my chances of another full term pregnancy and delivery, but i would be scarring myself. I will forever be living with the emotional scar of losing my baby, but i would have a physical scar as well - the constant reminder of when they cut my baby out. I'll be stuck in bed after the surgery and i may never get out of it. Depression may overtake me. In more ways than one, i wouldn't recover from a c-section. They left the room while I took in reality. I can't cut him out like a cancer. He deserved to enter the world the way he was meant to. He deserved to be born.

I was transferred into another room, changed into a gown, had gel inserted to start the induction, and began getting teary eyed visitors. Robs parents and sisters and my own sister with my parents, all around us in the room. Taking turns leaving the room to break down with grief out of my sight, so i don't get upset even more. Eventually they all forced themselves to go home, so Rob and i could have the night alone together. They gave me sleeping pills but it didn't work. I was so overcome with sadness i couldn't succumb to sleep. Rob turned on the TV to try and clear our minds and i eventually drifted off. I awoke soon after to screams and grunts from the next room. Then a baby crying for the first time. I lost it again. That's what i was supposed to hear. Rob crawled into the bed, wrapped his arms around me, and we cried together. Eventually i passed out from pure exhaustion. Tomorrow would mark the hardest day of my life.

But it was a day i would survive.