Today was the day i had no concept of time. And i never bothered to ask. I was given more gel, moved to another room, hooked up to an i.v. and a falling leaf magnet was placed on my door. And everyone that walked in had a solemn look on their face.
A woman came in to talk to Rob and i about arrangements after he was born. She gave us pamphlets on choosing to see him or not. Some people wish to never see their baby and try to forget it ever happened. We couldn't imagine doing that. How can you deny you had a child? How can you deny this little baby that you created? How could you go through life never knowing what they looked like? I guess for some people this is the only way they know how do deal. Even though my baby was gone, i couldn't wait to hold him. We then chose a funeral home. We chose cremation. We chose his ashes to be placed in pendants that we wore around our necks.
Another woman came in soon after. She was the Chaplin for the hospital. Even though Rob and i are different denominations and both have issues with the church, we are both spiritual people in our own respects. She was quite impressed with our strength; Everything happens for a reason. We may never find out the "why", we may never fully understand it. But we are thankful for the time that we had with him. Our little boy did so much for us and others around us, whether it be bringing people closer together, showing what's truly important in this life, or making people realize how precious their own children were. And now we have a little guardian angel to look after all the rest of the babies that we have.
She called in all our family members and we all said prayers for our baby, we cried for our baby, and we laughed for our baby. He would have been such a trouble maker, just like his daddy.
Soon after the contractions began. It was time for the epidural so everyone was ushered out of the room. It didn't work the first 3 times, as my lower back is fused and i was only getting the numbing on the one side of my body. It was the strangest feeling in the world, to have this invisible line down my abdomen where one side felt absolutely nothing, and the other excruciating pain. I was given gas during the contractions and waves of nausea kept hitting me. I remember throwing up into the kidney shaped pan and my doctor saying "What the heck did you eat? It looks like a perfectly shaped timbit!"
Eventually the anaesthesiologist was able to come back and try the epidural again. I had my head nurse and doctor holding me down bent over a table while he tried to get through, having to try higher up my back. My hair was in my face and i could barely breath, tears blinding me, as i tried to ignore the pain of the contractions so i could keep as still as possible while a needle was piercing my spine. This time, it worked. My right side started to numb and i couldn't feel the contractions at all.
It felt like i was lying there forever, in a complete daze from the gas. Remembering my mom there stroking my hair out of my face, giving me ice chips. Remembering Rob there kissing my forehead, holding my hand. My nurse Merle, my saviour, never leaving my side, never a break. Forcing Rob to eat or he wasn't allowed back in. Every once in a while she'd wrap her arms around me and whisper in my ear that i could do this. I was strong and I'd get through. I was doing this for my little boy. He was teaching me, and preparing me, to deliver all my future babies.
My cervix dilated and the pressure began. The 3 of us were a team, Rob, Merle and I. The 3 amigos. Both of them on either side, holding my legs, my back, encouraging me to push harder, telling me i was doing a great job. When i felt i couldn't do it anymore, there was Rob, my strength, my love, hands on my face telling me he loves me, reassuring me that i can do this. Eventually he started to crown, and my doctor was called in along with 2 other nurses. Merle stayed by my side and kept putting my bed down so i couldn't see my baby being born. Eventually one last push while they all pulled and i relaxed. They rushed him behind the curtain to clean him up and asked if we wanted to see him right away, or after he was fully cleaned and dressed. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to hold my baby.
He was brought over wrapped in a blanket. Rob and i hugged him, kissed him, and cried some more. My mom was brought in. She held her first grandchild and talked to him like he was there. She quietly said her goodbyes and handed him back. We spent quite a while with him, just the 3 of us. My doctor told us that the umbilical cord was very short, and placenta quite small. From what they could tell, he had stretched and pulled the placenta away from the uterine wall. If we wanted they could do an autopsy to see if there were any other reasons, but we declined. We didn't want them cutting our baby.
He was taken away to be fully cleaned, dressed and had pictures taken. He was brought back in along with the rest of our family. We all took turns holding him and commenting on his good looks. He was to be named Robert James Lantz III, but it no longer seemed to fit. Everyone always called him Robbie J. So that's who he became.
Robbie J McLean-Lantz
Born: 7:37pm, May 23rd, 2008
6lbs 15 ounces
He had dark brown hair. He had my eyebrows, lips and feet. He had his daddy's nose and broad shoulders. Our precious baby boy. You will never be forgotten.
Happy birthday baby.
23 hours ago