Wednesday, March 18, 2009

And so continues the barking dog

Well, it *was* peaceful.

Okay so we have a neighbour, who i won't name *just* in case for some reason they have time to have a blog, or have a family member who does. Normally, they're not bad. Never really had a problem with them. The problems we DO have, revolve around their dogs.

Quite a few years ago, they had a beagle. It didn't have too many issues, except it barked like a fiend when Dan Twocells was walking by (Which we actually liked because it was our warning system). Should i explain who Dan Twocells is? Let's go off on a tangent shall we?

As you can probably guess, that's not really his last name. He's the token crazy man in the neighbourhood. We've been told he was a 'glue-sniffer' in his teenage years, thus giving him the name of 'Twocells' since that's probably all the brain cells this guy has left. Normally, he's not that bad, and he actually seems to be calming down a bit in his old age (He's only about 40 something, but if you didn't know that, you'd never guess it). Some things he has done: gone after his neighbour with a knife, ripped down our lattice fencing (this was one night where he was running around our property and 5 cop cars were surrounding him trying to calm him down), knocked on our doors and windows for 40 minutes trying to talk to my dad, and stolen our bikes. (we figured that out about 2 weeks after our bikes went missing - i was on the bus heading to work when he jumps on and says to the bus driver "I don't have enough change! Can i pay you back?! I'll have lots of change later! I just sold some bikes and i have the cheque right here, see?? I'll show you the cheque! But i have to get to my bank to cash it, then I'll give you the change for the ride!" At which point the bus driver just told him to sit down and leave him alone, and as Dan is doing so, he happens to look behind him and sees me. Glaring at him. He then proceeded to make a 'poo face', sit down quickly, fidget, continually whipping his head around to look at me, then back to the front, and after sitting there for a couple of minutes while the bus was stationary at this juncture waiting for the Oakville bus to arrive he jumps up, says he'll walk for the exercise and runs away.)

On a good day, he's quite harmless, and i think he enjoys creeping people out by running up behind them, matching their walking pace, and grunting. (He's done this to me many times). He actually does alot of work around the neighbourhood with shovelling, raking, mowing, which I'm sure is beneficial for a few people around here, but once he starts working for you, he never leaves you alone. So most people don't think it's worth it! (Plus you never know when he'll get plastered and try to run you down and stab you.) But let's not forget to describe what he looks like.

(this isn't him, but it's freakin' close!)

The last time he shaved? No clue. His beard and hair get longer and longer every year. Although he sports a clean new brightly coloured bandanna every summer. (We think it's his Christmas present), but after a few months, it's pretty much grey and/or brown. He wears the same grey holey jogging pants every day (but who knows, maybe he has a few of them that look exactly the same?!) a (supposed to be) white t-shirt, and a never done up plaid shirt. And let's see, have we ever seen him clean!? As in, freshly showered and not greasy from head to toe? Can't say that we have. Which is what made us laugh so much when he showed up at our garage sale, bought a pack of tiles my dad had and never used, and stated that he's redoing a shower and thought these would look really nice. Hmm.. redoing a shower he never uses. That's productive. And lately for some strange reason, he now always has Mickey Mouse hands. It's like he's suddenly become a germaphobe because he constantly wears (supposed to be) white cotton gloves and never takes them off. Another thing that makes ya go hmm.. But will i ever stop to ask him why? I don't think i want to know that bad. Striking up a conversation with him never usually ends well. Standing too close can make ya vomit, and any eye contact after said conversation (which you ended by vomiting) will result in an encore pukesentation. Especially after you recognize the tiny bits of food stuck in his beard were your own from a few days ago.

Now after I've made you all sick, let's get back to our regularly scheduled bloggram.

So the beagle would bark when it smelled Dan Twocells coming. And now you know why. The beagle wasn't that bad of a dog, but they never trained the thing. And it sat outside in a kennel day in and day out until they decided to pay it some attention. One night, the beagle got out. And killed my rabbit. Now, we didn't *see* it kill my rabbit (DaVinci) since it happened in the middle of the night, but when your rabbit's cage door is ripped open, and the rabbit is lying dead with a broken neck and it's white fur stuck to the shed wall from being flung around repeatedly and the next morning as you're burying the rabbit and your neighbours are dragging a beagle back to the cage saying "He must have got out last night!" you kinda make assumptions that, ya. The beagle did it. Soon after, the beagle was gone.

On another side note i fully believe that Dan Twocells killed my other rabbit Degas (DaVinci's mom - and yes i know Degas isn't female-) because she was found dead lying under the cages with her cage door completely closed. She was sitting there peacefully and looked as though she just died of fright, which is possible since she was so incredibly skittish after DaVinci was killed. I figured a human had to have done it, and actually didn't think of Dan until he walked by a few days later and asked what happened to my rabbit because he hadn't seen her and is it alright. Uh-huh. Cause your oh so concerned about a rabbit that you've never asked about before.

Alright, enough about Dan Twocells.

Anyhoo, next the neighbours, we'll call them Enkalay and Rankfay, with their 2 kids... okay can't remember their names, but they sound like Bizzario and Unibrow. Next they got a little white crapshoot dog, that apparently was a Houdini because alot of times we'd find it running around. Now it didn't bark a hell of a lot, so i didn't mind it. But unfortunately one day it bit either Bizzario or Unibrow (but it doesn't matter because i can't tell them apart anyways, with the exception of the height difference) so they traded the one white little crapshoot for the barking his head off constantly white little crapshoot with their relatives.

Can i say that i hate this dog? Because i *really* hate this dog. On the one hand i can feel sorry for it, because they rarely walk him, rarely spend time with him, and he's in an outdoor kennel all the time. Would i go a little psycho and bark continuously if i was in that situation? Yes. Yes i would. Although i would also learn how to pitch poo with precision.

So i really can't hate him, despite the fact that i want to wrangle him like a steed, tie him up and *accidentally* damage his vocal chords every time i hear him. I mean, seriously. During the summer, it was construction constantly with the replacing of all the water mains in our area, so from 7am to 7pm that's all we heard to the point where you could hear someone screaming "YES! WE GET IT! YOU'RE BACKING UP ALREADY! BEEP BEEP BEEP F*CKING BEEP!!" But when things *finally* quieted down, what did we get? A barking dog. Who barked for hours. Non stop. Until 11:30 at night when my husband screams out the window to shut the f'n thing up, and (most likely) Enkalay would go out and quiet him. Why they couldn't do that on a regular basis is beyond me. Do they have a magical sound proof house?!?! Where can i get one of these magical sound proof houses?! And why the CRAP are the owners of continuously barking dogs the ONLY ones who can't hear them!? Are they all DEAF!? It's really not that hard to teach your dog to not bark. Yes, Kermit gets out of hand sometimes, but ya say the "EH!" and he stops. Is that so hard?!

And y'know what else works for continuously barking dogs?! It's this little thing called "spending *time* with them". They're pack animals for crying out loud! They need to feel like they're part of a pack, or they'll go mental. If anyone out there needs a prime example of this, c'mon over and i'll point your face to next door.

The last few days have been bliss though. 3 whole days, and not a peep. I joyously thought maybe Enkalay, Rankfay, Bizzario and Unibrow came to their senses and realized "Hey, we don't ever spend time with the dog, and even when we're playing or working outdoors we completely ignore him, so why bother having one? Let's give him away!" I would even be happy with finding out he was DEAD. I'd feel a little guilty for being happy about that, but still.. I'd be guilty with a gigantically calm smile on my face. But alas. Today, it happened. My dreams of a relatively quiet neighbourhood were torn to pieces like that sponge Kermit got a hold of while i was in the shower and i walked out to find blue bits all over the house and like the needles from the Christmas tree still find around the house every time i move something to vacuum. Sigh.

Ah well. Maybe one day my dream will come true. Atleast with this rant i was reminded of the humourous "construction during the entire summer including some weekends" story. I was sitting outside, trying to have a calm relaxing coffee first thing in the morning before the construction started. And then i heard them, the construction boys were milling about, and starting up machinery. I could hear the engine start of the big bulldozer, the ear piercing beeping as it was backing up, but then i heard frantic yelling. The bulldozer was quickly shut off and i stood up, thinking there was a serious disaster that just occurred, until one guy yells "YOU RAN OVER MY LUNCH!!! My sandwich was in there! And my smokes! I thought it would be safe under that tree!" I hadn't laughed that hard in awhile. And it made it just that much easier to put up with the noise.

Alright, I've ranted, I've laughed and by the way Dad, I'm still laughing my ass off about the notice mom got. For those of you who don't read my dad's blog, head over to The Caretaker Chronicles and read about it! Yup, I'll be laughin' for awhile.


dawgwindu said...

Bizzario and Unibrow!!! Yeah, Thats mine! You stole those references.

Love "The Husband....The Husband of Doooooooom!"

Bob said...

is "dawgwindu" gonna right anything??
Maybe we need some humourous tales of the retail trade.
There you go, "tirades of the trade".
Ok, it was my first try.

Bob said...

*crap* I can't believe I missed an obvious spelling mistake.

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