Thursday, March 5, 2009

One year ago today

It was one year ago today that i found out i was pregnant. I woke up that morning with a vivid dream stuck in my mind. In it, i was having cramps, so i went to sit in the hot bath tub, and promptly gave birth to a baby boy.

That morning i got a phone call from my boss to tell me not to bother coming in, because i'd be the only one who would make it in the snowstorm since i lived the closest to work. I stared out the window with a smile, thinking about the relaxing day i was going to have, until the dream ran through my mind again. What if i was?

I hadn't had my period since December, but there was nothing to be concerned about. That happened all the time. When i was 15 i was diagnosed with PCOS - Poly cystic ovarian syndrome. My periods were never regular. And if i gained just a few pounds, they'd disappear completely for 6 months. And that's exactly what happened. I started a new job in July - an office job - which consisted of sitting *all* *the* *time*. I wasn't used to such an inactive job, and my ass grew an inch or 2 in a very short amount of time. When my period started to become a light misting each month (as it always did) i thought "there it goes again". They always told me i'd never be able to get pregnant without fertility treatments, so i never really gave it a thought. Plus, if i was pregnant, wouldn't i have some obvious signs by then?

The day continued with me having some time to work out, read, watch tv... with the nagging thought of 'maybe i should check.. just incase'. By the time i went to pick up Rob from work, i started to really worry. What if i was? Was i ready? Would i be able to afford a baby? How would Rob react? We had *just* gotten engaged that past November.

Straight from work Rob was fixin' on buying some things so our first stop was Zellers. While he looked around i headed over to the pharmacy to check out the prices of pregnancy tests. Even though they were just over $10, i still didn't have enough in my bank account to buy one. It was 2 days until pay day and i was just completely tapped out from rent and car payments. Rob came sidling around the corner then and i pretended i was just looking at the books on the other side of the aisle. I continued to fret as we left the store and headed for Shoppers Drug Mart so Rob could pick up some mail.

In Shoppers while Rob was at the post office, i again headed to the aisle with pregnancy tests, hoping they'd have a cheaper brand. By this point all i was doing was worrying. My mind has a way of thinking of the worst possible scenarios and i can't get them out of my head - and at this moment for some reason - i thought that when i told Rob, he'd be mad at me, yell, curse, and break up with me. It's silly now to think of that, since he'd never have that reaction in a million years, but in my current state of mind, everything was possible.

He sidled his way around the corner yet again and caught me looking at them again. I quickly looked up at him with my best 'stone face' and said "ok, ready to go?!" and turned around. He stopped me, turned me around and said "This is the second time i've caught you looking at pregnancy tests. Do you need one?!" That's when i broke down crying. I bawled in a Shoppers Drug Mart. I tried to tell him that i think i do but i don't know but i can't afford a test because all i have is 5 dollars in my account and i still need to get some gas before Friday, and miraculously he understood all of that.

I looked up at him afraid of his reaction but all i saw was this gigantic smile on his face and tears in his eyes and he hugs me and tells me it's ok! And he just kept repeating "Really!??! Really you need one?!" Like an excited little boy that was just told he was going to Disney World. He kept telling me to stop crying, he'll go buy the test, just go to the car and calm down 'cause he'd be right there.

I honestly tried to stop crying but i was scared, not just scared, petrified. And i already felt like a bad mom for being so upset that i could be pregnant. Rob runs out of the store, jumps in the car and says "I got 2!! I don't know why i got 2!! Should i pee on the other one?!" This is one of the many reasons i love him so much... he can always make me laugh.

So we went home. And i stopped crying. And i sat in the washroom reading and re-reading the instructions. Simple enough - Pee on the stick. Wait 3 minutes. Look at the stick. So i peed on the stick. I glanced at the stick as i wiped it off and noticed this gigantic positive symbol already formed. Rob opens the door and i said "I dunno if i did it right, it turned positive immediately!" So we waited 20 minutes, i went into the bathroom. I peed in a shot glass (mostly on my hand, but enough in the shot glass), i stuck the stick in the shot glass and walla! Immediate positive. Rob opens the door and asked how it went. "Well, i didn't piss all over the stick this time, i stuck it in the pee, and the same thing happened. No waiting 3 minutes. It was immediate!" So we started making some phone calls.

That night, we headed over to Chapters and Rob bought me 2 pregnancy books which we both started to read. Going by how long i hadn't had my period, we were guessing i was atleast 3 months. But i felt i couldn't tell work yet because i wanted to wait until i atleast knew exactly how far along i was. Unfortunately our baby didn't want me to wait that long, because in the next couple of days, i could no longer wear the same pants.

We called him the stealth ninja, since there was no signs of him whatsoever (no morning sickness, no showing, nothing) until AFTER i found out i was pregnant. That's when he started kicking. That's when my belly popped out. That's when i went to the doctor with a huge belly for my first ever appointment and my doctor freaked out. Then he measured and asked why my uterus was way up there! It turned out, i was almost 6 months pregnant.

The next couple of months were the best months of my life. I loved being pregnant. I loved my belly. I loved my baby. My little Robbie J.

This is one day in which i will never forget.


Not Your Average Mom said...

sending you a big hug....Love T

Felicia said...

Welcome to the Healthy You Challenge!

Best wishes to you on your journey!


Mama Bear June said...

Had to read all of your blog to find out what happened. So very sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Path to Health